Heart's Story

2009-01-25T15:42:00.001-05:00

So in thinking about this Bolivia thing, I spent some time with Jesus and I looked through some old journal entries. Apparently when I get really upset or really deep in the word, God inspires poetry. Here are two poems that I found and added on to that I don't think are half bad...

Queen of Expectations

You fail me.
Over and over again you do.
Why can’t you just do the things I want you to?
Why can’t you fit the mold I’ve prepared for you in my dreaming head?
If you would just follow directions and read my mind everything would work out wonderfully.
I mean it is all about me isn’t it?
It is all about the perfect picture of life I’ve created in my head right?
I’m a good person, I’m nice and do good things.
Why shouldn’t my fantasies play out in reality?
I deserve to be happy and that would make me happy.

Oh but you don’t know what those expectations are?
The purpose of life is not to please me?
The purpose of my life is not to be pleased by all around me?
How can this be? What more is there in life than to get everything you want?
That’s what happens in sitcoms and romantic comedies.

I guess maybe there’s more to life then dream fulfillment.
Maybe if I crucified these expectations I could find happiness.
Maybe then reality could be better than the fantasy.

Dear God,

My prayer life has been too many things.

Too much talking; not enough listening,

Too inconsistent; not enough regularity,

Too much complaining; not enough gratitude,

Too much doubt and fear; not enough trust,

Too much distraction; not enough focus,

Too much pain; not enough joy,

Too much fear of the future; not enough recognition of the present,

Too much of me; not enough of you.

But my heart wants to hear your voice and be embraced by your unfailing love.
Let my inconsistent, selfish voice please you as often as it can.
Calm my fears and ease my pain as well as the pain of those around me.
Most of all, quiet me as much as possible so that I can hear the loving voice of my true Father.

Bolivia or Not??

2009-01-21T17:42:00.002-05:00

So I have to decide whether or not to go to Bolivia next year.

I have thought for a long time about maybe teaching overseas. Partially because I like the idea of missions but feel I am much more cut out for teaching than outright evangelism. Also because I was unhappy living in Georgia, teaching snobby kids and waiting around for prince charming to show up.

I am in the middle of the hiring process for the Highlands International School in La Paz, Bolivia. The school is a private, Christian, English-speaking school for international students as well as upper-class Bolivian students. I would be teaching an American-based curriculum to fifth grade students. The idea is to provide a Christian education to people who would be attracted to an English-speaking school(i.e. military kids, children of the embassy, international workers' kids etc.).

Fears:
~I would be leaving my family, church home, and new friends. Not to mention my puppy. I've finally found a place I belong here, and I would be starting all over again.
~I would have to raise support to get over there as well as just to get by each month. I hate the idea of asking people for money, let alone asking for a monthly contribution.
~The committment is for two years. I would come home for a month at Christmas and then for the summer, but nothing in between.
~I would have to give up my job here that I love, as well as retirement and the road to tenure....basically security.
~I'd have to sell my car.
~I'm afraid that I'm just considering this because I'm the single girl and this is what Christian single girls do not necessarily because I'm being called. I think part of me feels like If I pay my dues with this then God will give me a husband. I know it's silly, but I can't get that from the back of my mind. Then if I get back and God still keeps me single, what is that going to feel like? I don't want that to be my motivation and I hate that these thoughts play into it, but they do.
~I'm afraid I'll fail. I won't do well or I'll hate it and have to come home.
~I'm scared to leave the young adults ministry at my church that we have worked so hard to build up.
~I'm afraid I'll lose the few strong friendships I have here for friendships over there that won't last.
~I don't want to teach 5th grade. I love my little ones!
~This school deserves my one hundred percent committment and I don't know if I have that right now.
~After reading a friend of mine's blog who is a teacher at this school now and married, I'm afraid I can't do it alone. She went on and on about how she doesn't know how she ever did it alone and how great it is to have a partner in ministry. This is all I've ever wanted, so maybe I'm supposed to wait until I find him and then go together.

Good Things:
~The principal seems really nice and supportive.
~The teachers there are kind of a family and spend all their time together.
~Professionally I'm not worried at all. I know I can handle the curriculum.
~Bolivia is safe and beautiful!
~God will provide the money if this is truly where he wants me to go.
~My faith has been weak for a long time and this could be the thing to help strengthen me.
~Maybe God's plan is to help me meet someone there that would be my partner. Maybe this is my chance.
~We are not supposed to be comfortable and secure. This could be God's way of forcing me out of my comfort zone. Maybe this would make my relationship with Him that much stronger.
~I could touch the lives of Bolivian people, not just at my school, but in the community I would live in.
~I've always wanted to go out of the country but never have been able to.
~If I am intended to be married someday, this may be the best time for adventure.
~Hopefully cobb would hire me back in two years, or I could start over somewhere else.

I want so badly to live a life that glorifies God. His word tells me to Go where he sends me and sell all my possessions. Am I holding on too tightly to the security of my life here? Am I holding on too tightly to the relationships I have because I'm afraid they will end if I go? I know I am perfectly capable of serving God if I stay. But if I stay or delay am I letting God down? If I go am I letting down the people that depend on me here? I really don't know what to do.

I know no one can make this decision for me, but any insight, thoughts, or advice would be greatly appreciated. :-) And most importantly, I covet your prayers. I hate making decisions, and this is probably the biggest one I've ever made.

Love you all,
Leslie

2008-11-28T15:51:00.003-05:00

Wow I'm really behind.....a lot has happened this fall. Fun fun times with the young adult groups at my church....my mom got married....homecoming at gool old Milligan....thanksgiving trip to Johnson City that included skiing and hiking and so much more....then Thanksgiving! And I'm sure a lot of other things in between. Maybe I'll actually get better at blogging soon..who knows?

Here's pics from my last trip to Tennessee

5K

2008-09-14T21:40:00.001-04:00

So I ran a 5K this weekend! Woo Hoo! I was very proud of myself. I couldn't have done it without my faithful running buddy, Jessie. We trained together. Our goal was to run the whole thing without stopping to walk, and we did it! We did pretty well with a time of 33 minutes and 49 seconds. I was so pumped to just be a part of it. I can't wait to do another one! Oh yeah...and I got third place in the 20-24 year old women category so I got a sweet trophy! I'll post pictures soon!

2008-08-26T21:46:00.002-04:00

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog...the lack of comments kind of tells me that, but I don't care.

I went to a rodeo the other day! I'm totally serious! It was very fun....made me want to go horseback riding...and buy a bedazzler!

My friends are coming this weekend for Annual Friends Labor Day weekend! Every year a different friend will host it. This way, even though we all go our separate ways, we have a time once a year that we can see each other.....This plan would work a lot better if everyone could attend...but we will have fun nonetheless! I am so excited, but I have a lot to do before Friday!

2008-08-20T17:41:00.002-04:00

Open house last night....pretty much the most dreaded night of a teacher's life. Talking in front of children is a piece of cake....parents not so much. Plus, we have a new standards based report card that is both impractical with the amount of information we have and incomplete. Trying to explain it to parents was difficult to say the least. I thought there would be a throw down.

Other than that things went pretty well. I think my parents are going to be pretty supportive so that's good.

Off to make dinner in my new house, I have my first guests tonight...my family! :-)

2008-08-19T21:47:00.002-04:00

So school started last week and things have just been crazy. There are a million things to do and I'm trying really hard to get everything in. I like being busy though.

School this year has been different. I actually feel like I know what I'm doing most of the time. We had open house tonight and it was amazing to be able to answer questions and be confident...and not have mono :-)

I have some goofy ones in my class, but it looks like it will be a fun year.

Stay tuned for picures and an interesting dream I had....

Mexico

2008-07-31T09:58:00.005-04:00

Ok There are so many things I need to post on here.....I went to Mexico, my mom got engaged, I got my wisdom teeth out, I'm renting a house and moved in two weeks ago, and I started school on Monday. Phew! Too much to write about in one post so we'll take it one thing at a time. Here's pics and my Mexico story first:

I recently went to Mexico with my church. There were six of us from Northwest so we teamed up with a team in Fayetteville, GA that was actually made up of several churches. We went to Acuna, Mexico with YUGO ministries. The way it was set up was that teams come to the headquarters where the awesome Canote family(YUGO missionaries, 8 kids) took care of us. We had chapel there and were fed there. Everyday each church headed out to a different local church in Acuna. At the church, we provided a VBS for the kids, a sports ministry for the boys, and a women's bible study for the ladies. In the afternoon, we'd go back and have an evening service. No construction on this trip (which is good for me :-)) All relational ministry. The church we went to was Fuente de Vida and the Fayetteville team had been there for two years in a row already so they knew a lot of the people there.

Ok that's the premise, here's my story...
I had never been on a missions trip before, and I was a little nervous about it to say the least. However, I’ve always wondered if a long-term mission was something I could do and I hoped this trip would answer some questions for me. Plus, I was very excited at the opportunity to go and meet new people.
The preparation beforehand was a bit ambiguous. I’m a teacher, and I know how to think on my feet. However, I wasn’t confident of this skill in Mexico, and I like to have a set plan. I was surprised at the way things came together though. I found out while on the trip that I would basically be in charge of the children’s ministry. I would be calling the shots, so to speak, for the VBS. This involved a lesson, games, and craft in the morning, and then a lesson and games at night. I love how naïve I was in trying to organize it all. I assigned everyone on my team roles and instructed them exactly how things would go. Despite all my efforts, I learned very quickly that Mexico really is Flexico and all my plans really meant nothing.
I was teaching the lesson the first day about the lost sheep. What an important lesson for these kids to learn! I’m sure so many of these children feel unloved or unimportant and they need to know that God would search for them even if 99 others were already there. I had planned to have someone act it out, I had the visuals, I had practiced the lesson over and over, and we were even blessed to have David Rogers as part of our team who is a shepherd that owns 100 sheep! He was to talk to them about what he does to take care of them. However, the first morning, we spent the whole time just getting kids there so we pushed the lesson to the evening. Then when evening came, they had a long church service of their own and then we crammed into a very small, very hot room. This message of great importance was lost because their attention was lost. David did a great job and they listened to him, but when I spoke, I did not have their attention. I realized that teaching in Mexico was drastically different than teaching in Georgia.
At the beginning of the week I found myself pretty discouraged. We went to a church that seemed to me to be running pretty well. They had committed Christians that were providing great leadership. Their standard of living was nowhere near ours, but I wouldn’t say they were impoverished. I didn’t really understand why we were there. The language barrier was a huge struggle for me too. I know zero Spanish and it was somewhat disconcerting to be thrown in a country where no one speaks my language. I am also pretty good at managing groups of kids, but I was unable to do this when they couldn’t understand me. I just wanted to teach these kids about God and form relationships with them, but I felt like I was hitting a brick wall. Thank goodness for Jessie who could translate for me, but even then, they would respond to her, not me. I wondered why I was even there if Jessie could just talk to them. They didn’t need me.
I came to my breaking point on Wednesday evening. I felt very insignificant, my faith was being challenged by other members of our team, we hadn’t had any kids respond to the lessons, my patience was being challenged by my lack of Spanish, and Satan was really working hard to make me feel worthless. I’m sure the heat and little sleep had nothing to do with it either!
I was not very optimistic Thursday, but God had plans for that day. That morning I was sitting waiting for the morning lesson and a little girl named Fernanda came and sat next to me. I always got nervous when I was around the kids without Jessie to translate for me. However, Fernanda was so loving and patient. She knew I was a teacher and asked me about that, and she knew a few words in English. I was surprised at how much we could communicate. She was so sweet and patient with me. It felt so good to connect to a child without help from a translator. That morning we had 3 girls come forward after the lesson. Then, that evening, the kids were all over the place playing games. We were still supposed to finish the story for the evening, but I knew reining them in was going to be impossible. I told Jessie we just wouldn’t worry about it, but she had spent a lot of time translating the story and wanted to do it. So I said, fine even if we just have one child listening, that’s better than not doing it at all. So Jessie told the story to an audience of maybe 4 kids. There was an invitation built into the story and when we got to that point, Mayra raised her hand. She wanted to ask Jesus in her heart! Jessie and I were so excited! We got Erika, one of the children’s leaders at the church to pray with her. Even though it was all in Spanish, it was such a cool experience.
From there things just got better. I was teaching the lesson the next morning, and we had a lot of kids and we had their attention. They were involved in the lesson and 4 girls came forward at the invitation. Of those girls, one was Crystal. This girl really touched my heart. She was so excited about accepting Christ and having the bible we gave her. She attached herself to me, and that night when she came back, she brought me a present and didn’t leave my side. She asked me to pray with her because her mom is very sick. She was really emotional about it, and it scared me to think how grown-up she has to be at such a young age. She was so grateful to pray with us and to know we would continue to pray for her when we went back home. I was completely humbled.
In the end I realized that truly I’m not all that significant. I couldn’t understand why these children would respond to anything I said or did. These girls came forward after a very poorly delivered lesson, it didn’t make any sense. I didn’t feel like I did anything. The truth is, I didn’t. God did all the work. Somehow He used me and all my insecurities and broken faith to show His love to these children. I figured out that simply our presence at that church made a difference in these people’s lives. They were so open and loving. I will miss those children so much. They truly blessed me and touched my heart. In truth, I think I learned more from them than they did from me. As for long-term missions, I’m still not sure. However, I know that this trip will not be my last.

I'm here!!

2008-05-15T18:19:00.000-04:00

So I needed a change from the xanga world. I've decided to make a clean start. Here I am blogger world! This is me.