So in thinking about this Bolivia thing, I spent some time with Jesus and I looked through some old journal entries. Apparently when I get really upset or really deep in the word, God inspires poetry. Here are two poems that I found and added on to that I don't think are half bad...

Queen of Expectations

You fail me.
Over and over again you do.
Why can’t you just do the things I want you to?
Why can’t you fit the mold I’ve prepared for you in my dreaming head?
If you would just follow directions and read my mind everything would work out wonderfully.
I mean it is all about me isn’t it?
It is all about the perfect picture of life I’ve created in my head right?
I’m a good person, I’m nice and do good things.
Why shouldn’t my fantasies play out in reality?
I deserve to be happy and that would make me happy.

Oh but you don’t know what those expectations are?
The purpose of life is not to please me?
The purpose of my life is not to be pleased by all around me?
How can this be? What more is there in life than to get everything you want?
That’s what happens in sitcoms and romantic comedies.

I guess maybe there’s more to life then dream fulfillment.
Maybe if I crucified these expectations I could find happiness.
Maybe then reality could be better than the fantasy.




Dear God,

My prayer life has been too many things.

Too much talking; not enough listening,

Too inconsistent; not enough regularity,

Too much complaining; not enough gratitude,

Too much doubt and fear; not enough trust,

Too much distraction; not enough focus,

Too much pain; not enough joy,

Too much fear of the future; not enough recognition of the present,

Too much of me; not enough of you.

But my heart wants to hear your voice and be embraced by your unfailing love.
Let my inconsistent, selfish voice please you as often as it can.
Calm my fears and ease my pain as well as the pain of those around me.
Most of all, quiet me as much as possible so that I can hear the loving voice of my true Father.

Bolivia or Not??

So I have to decide whether or not to go to Bolivia next year.

I have thought for a long time about maybe teaching overseas. Partially because I like the idea of missions but feel I am much more cut out for teaching than outright evangelism. Also because I was unhappy living in Georgia, teaching snobby kids and waiting around for prince charming to show up.

I am in the middle of the hiring process for the Highlands International School in La Paz, Bolivia. The school is a private, Christian, English-speaking school for international students as well as upper-class Bolivian students. I would be teaching an American-based curriculum to fifth grade students. The idea is to provide a Christian education to people who would be attracted to an English-speaking school(i.e. military kids, children of the embassy, international workers' kids etc.).

Fears:
~I would be leaving my family, church home, and new friends. Not to mention my puppy. I've finally found a place I belong here, and I would be starting all over again.
~I would have to raise support to get over there as well as just to get by each month. I hate the idea of asking people for money, let alone asking for a monthly contribution.
~The committment is for two years. I would come home for a month at Christmas and then for the summer, but nothing in between.
~I would have to give up my job here that I love, as well as retirement and the road to tenure....basically security.
~I'd have to sell my car.
~I'm afraid that I'm just considering this because I'm the single girl and this is what Christian single girls do not necessarily because I'm being called. I think part of me feels like If I pay my dues with this then God will give me a husband. I know it's silly, but I can't get that from the back of my mind. Then if I get back and God still keeps me single, what is that going to feel like? I don't want that to be my motivation and I hate that these thoughts play into it, but they do.
~I'm afraid I'll fail. I won't do well or I'll hate it and have to come home.
~I'm scared to leave the young adults ministry at my church that we have worked so hard to build up.
~I'm afraid I'll lose the few strong friendships I have here for friendships over there that won't last.
~I don't want to teach 5th grade. I love my little ones!
~This school deserves my one hundred percent committment and I don't know if I have that right now.
~After reading a friend of mine's blog who is a teacher at this school now and married, I'm afraid I can't do it alone. She went on and on about how she doesn't know how she ever did it alone and how great it is to have a partner in ministry. This is all I've ever wanted, so maybe I'm supposed to wait until I find him and then go together.

Good Things:
~The principal seems really nice and supportive.
~The teachers there are kind of a family and spend all their time together.
~Professionally I'm not worried at all. I know I can handle the curriculum.
~Bolivia is safe and beautiful!
~God will provide the money if this is truly where he wants me to go.
~My faith has been weak for a long time and this could be the thing to help strengthen me.
~Maybe God's plan is to help me meet someone there that would be my partner. Maybe this is my chance.
~We are not supposed to be comfortable and secure. This could be God's way of forcing me out of my comfort zone. Maybe this would make my relationship with Him that much stronger.
~I could touch the lives of Bolivian people, not just at my school, but in the community I would live in.
~I've always wanted to go out of the country but never have been able to.
~If I am intended to be married someday, this may be the best time for adventure.
~Hopefully cobb would hire me back in two years, or I could start over somewhere else.

I want so badly to live a life that glorifies God. His word tells me to Go where he sends me and sell all my possessions. Am I holding on too tightly to the security of my life here? Am I holding on too tightly to the relationships I have because I'm afraid they will end if I go? I know I am perfectly capable of serving God if I stay. But if I stay or delay am I letting God down? If I go am I letting down the people that depend on me here? I really don't know what to do.

I know no one can make this decision for me, but any insight, thoughts, or advice would be greatly appreciated. :-) And most importantly, I covet your prayers. I hate making decisions, and this is probably the biggest one I've ever made.

Love you all,
Leslie